Monday, December 28, 2009

Today, it's my birthday.

I am thirty-six years old today...not really a problem. Had a great Christmas, thank you, thank you for asking. Lungs still burning like crazy...kind of thinking this must be grief, which I'm not all that good at. I think it ultimately makes me angry.

Not having control over everything, like I used to. Thought of that today during an imaginary conversation with my doctor, who I'll see at 10:30 am tomorrow, and decline any offered medication. Doctors like to solve everything with drugs, and I'll never be that kind of patient. Just can't.

So, it hurts. And may or may not stop, as far as I can see. In my imagination, I also told him that I kind of screwed myself over by letting go of my peace, in exchange for a possible miracle. Still trying to talk myself into the wisdom of that. Healers said I had the same to control things too much, it's God's will we let go.

I'll try. I was feeling SO peaceful though, accepting Cooper's death before it even happened, and celebrating the miracle of the lessons he'd impart. Now, I'm left with NO CLUE of the outcome...I mean, I KNOW the outcome. It's just harder to accept with God willing my way.

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