Monday, December 28, 2009

Today, it's my birthday.

I am thirty-six years old today...not really a problem. Had a great Christmas, thank you, thank you for asking. Lungs still burning like crazy...kind of thinking this must be grief, which I'm not all that good at. I think it ultimately makes me angry.

Not having control over everything, like I used to. Thought of that today during an imaginary conversation with my doctor, who I'll see at 10:30 am tomorrow, and decline any offered medication. Doctors like to solve everything with drugs, and I'll never be that kind of patient. Just can't.

So, it hurts. And may or may not stop, as far as I can see. In my imagination, I also told him that I kind of screwed myself over by letting go of my peace, in exchange for a possible miracle. Still trying to talk myself into the wisdom of that. Healers said I had the same to control things too much, it's God's will we let go.

I'll try. I was feeling SO peaceful though, accepting Cooper's death before it even happened, and celebrating the miracle of the lessons he'd impart. Now, I'm left with NO CLUE of the outcome...I mean, I KNOW the outcome. It's just harder to accept with God willing my way.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Re-entering heaven

It's a place on earth, you know. Just so happens we're one or two, or a vague handful of days away from the Solstice. Would never be the equinox, that's certain. At least. I'm recovering remarkably well, after having had my soul ripped out through my gut, and sewed on quite crookedly. Hmm.

I'll try my best to enjoy it, since I AM the sinner, afterall. Here's the church where I found out Jesus was running through the pews of the sanctuary on the night I attended the healing room. Why the hell not, right?

Maybe more about my actual trip, if I don't flee to the cabin by sacred Tuesday. Christmas break, you know, may the joy of the season be mine.

Monday, December 14, 2009

x + y = y - x ?

I love when the day ends, and the mistakes you've publicly made flash through yer mind. Geometry ain't algebra, and if I confuse the Playboy trio with the K-dash sisters again, please correct me. It's Kendra with the ghetto background, the rise to stardom, and the cute little half-and-half (and the true love) that I was meaning.

I get so confused when women keep prancing around on television in lingerie, as if eye candy was the best VH-1 could do. Now look, mixing up channels, intentionally. It's what occurs in my psyche when I hold things back to please everybody. I shouldn't do that anymore, repeatedly.

So, this is what I meant to write a week-and-a-half ago, but couldn't. Don't know who I'd fear offending with the truth that I was thinking.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Getting organized, electronically

Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four

Day Five

...and counting.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Little Cooper

Sorry, when I get nervous I start speaking Spanish. That had nothing to do with the prayer, and now look, I'm without a relevant title. Church is going to be a huge part of this luxurious-laptop vacation, and this evening I was prayed over by the first of many zealots.

What stood out in this particular prayer, was the plea for my doctor's salvation. Made me question for a moment my righteous "licensed professionals with ethics" stance. MY curses and generational soul ties need to be healed by the blood of Jesus, and HIS soul must be saved in order for a miracle to advance?

I don't think God would go through all this work for me to face death, and then leave the outcome to depend on my doctor's life choices, be they good or bad. I'd think developing a fear of tunnels from having served in Vietnam, makes him a sensitive person with decent values...AND, he's a skilled genius at practicing medicine.

Plus, is it really such a sin for me to believe that I'll have a better grasp of the whole of life, a keener sharper sense...if I see for myself the extreme opposite of a cooperative and functioning life force? With gratitude to my son for sacrificing his own life, so his determined and ambitious mother can become enlightened through his generous act.

Prayer number one

I've got to keep track of these, if God's going to supernaturally heal my baby. It's a conflict though, now that I've reached acceptance, and can see how it serves my life's mission just as well to go through this tremendous loss. Seeing death so up close, and nothing hits closer to home than your very own child's last breaths.

Interesting story inserted here, and it has to do with murder. Think of it this way friends...please, if you don't mind. It's the cord itself that provides the oxygen (i.e. chance at life) to my little baby Cooper. So what, I'm going to have my husband be the one, to end it all? Too graphic...too scary? Okay good, I'll continue.

So, I told my doctor my concern at this point was only the delivery. And uh, cutting the cord, because um, you know, that would be the ending? It will be emotional and tragic, you're right. I'll cut the cord. Er, wait...

let's just wait for the natural release of the placenta. It will turn one minute into at least fifteen, so that makes me less sad. Just enough time to make official eye contact, show Cooper what it's going to feel like to be loved, and to trust. If I'm lucky, I'll get to attach him to my breast.

Sorry, that last part was REALLY graphic.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Non-catholics and MOPS

My "strong in her faith" friend called today, turns out she wasn't Catholic. I didn't confess it right away, because I figured, what's the point? She's a person, and she took the time to meet with me, why bring political influence into it anyway?

The fact that she called again, when I didn't bother to put the effort forth to do the same...heavenly. I'm going to get myself into one of those situations I tend to avoid, I'm going to go against my natural inclination and join her MOPS group. She's the leader.

Right away I felt trouble, when I had to explain to her, myself, and my husband...that my three-year-old might not be as willing as the rest to be just inserted into convenient daycare (we're rebellious like that). I mean, I could've lied to my child as most mothers do and told Maddie it would be fun. By age three, they fall for ANYTHING, even the suggestion that it's her job to "just go", way more exciting than Mommy-time and grown-up lunch.

I tend not to lie to my children, or withhold. My experience shows that if you cater to their every need and insecurity, they actually grow up STRONGER, they trust people are telling the truth, or notice it more readily when they actually don't. A life skill I figured they'd enjoy.

So, next week I begin my re-integration into "yes, I'm a grown-up like you" society. Not looking forward to it, but probably beneficial in someway.