It's a trying time, as emotions blue and true run through my veins (or elsewhere, who cares)...making me account, what, with all I'm already under? Can't get a straight thought sent out there, all arrows pointed my way, attacking.
Memories of recent times, a whole year back. Everyone's here, my daughters, sons, hubby-for-life...can't be everyone to everything, I'll try though. Incoherent, stumbling, though I am. It's just writing, take it personally.
Pretending to be needles. I can't even believe how good a day I've had, got so-o-o-o much done!!! Won nothing, no nominations for anything important anyway. Besides, I'm sure I'd lose with my luck and all. More fun chances for everybody who's not me.
And that's what's important in a wreck of a day. BEST DAY EVER, I said. Quietly to myself before I paused and didn't think about it (too busy). Wish I could go, just glad you even asked.
Carrying a baby to term, with no outcome that involves changing too many tiny diapers and all-night long feeding/burping sessions...kind of leaves the saddest place inside. My instinct is to step back into that familiar pattern, being a mom of a newborn, you know?
But my life goals involve staying open to the feedback/advice that suggests I wait until December, or late winter I should've said. Feels better than the names of months that start to haunt me after awhile. See that cracked space? Me, broken.
I'm not really worried about it because I'm learning more about myself within communities than ever before. Starting to hold the burn in my heart when it comes, and it's sitting more willingly lately, while I ponder the curse of time.
Days, weeks, months, years...can't delete their existence. Can only keep walking forward waiting, waiting that whole entire time, for the pain to lessen, for the peace to hold.
Husbands working too hard for their own good, trying to cover EVERY base, wouldn't want the responsibility if I were paid for it. Being flexible, and looking forward to a Sunday with church, keeps our family in top-working order.
I've been juggling this beat for more than ten years. Good at it, too. All my days are spent with a three-year-old buddy making strides in her confidence. She trails me around, asks for eggs at every meal (which I make in the microwave), my dynamite girl.
Nothing like knowing I have three little knockouts who are fully-creative entities, worth the entire investment...to send into the world. Three Sisters I say to myself with great pride. Two brothers, still getting to know that dynamic, but they'll thrive.
Believe in your best life is the ONLY mantra I have. So balance, COME BACK!
Many times throughout today, at open gym, while hanging out with Maddie, while working on the basement...I just feel so lucky in life. My kids really do know they're loved and they are given as magical a childhood as is possible. Romance is good for a family's dynamic, no matter the good intentions involved.
Don't know why I said it, but meant it. Celebrating other people's celebrations of life is a grace given to us, also. I know those moments are mine, when I hope everybody's feeling cherished, under God's good graces. I can live with that honest.
Rambling u today, just lovely. Some parts of me are cracked open, so what, working towards an integration of my whole entire soul.
Sometimes it's the only thing standing in the way. What's to say about a typical weekend, no assaults to my devotion or anything unbearable like that. Letting it go anyway, because it's how I probably am. Or does that involve too much scrutiny?
Not sure today. Just glad I accomplished more than my half for once, gaining practice in becoming that better wife I've been planning to be. Now that my dad's left I can see backwards more perfectly...filling in strange blanks how I feel like it.