Monday, June 29, 2009

Getting it out there

I have one really, really close friend in my life, and yes you guessed it, it's my husband. Why am I telling you any of this, just to give an example I guess, of it not being complicated. He's the kind of friend I don't have to jump through hoops just to know, can lay everything all out on the table, be honest, be wrong, and towards solutions we go.

No strange metaphysical explanations for anything in our lives, no odd vibrational frequencies to lean towards just to get it right. Nothing standing in the way of a wholesome and lasting love for each other, and maybe it's time I defended that more. A person without their foundation, unable to share the other half of their thinking, their reasoning, might as well have no soul.

This weekend was my eleven year old's birthday, and yes, we had a blast. Two of the ways I was going to describe our time at the cabin were direct quotes, "phenomenal" and "the best yet", well I held back. I shouldn't have, because every time it was and that's just a fact. I'm only saying any of this because I keep finding myself on a ridiculously broken bridge, that doesn't seem to recognize my soul for what it is.

Maybe that's my fault, perhaps it's my mind creating drama where there is none. Was none, will be none...which was it, because I'm starting to forget.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Abandoning the ridiculous

What?!! I LOVE the ridiculous, with my whole entire character, but the same heart is patient. It has to be, or the ridiculousness will take over my brain, and my soul eventually, and then I'm nothing but a basket case with nothing on earth to ground me.

I need earth more than I need ridiculousness, believe me! Earth, it's what sustains me. It's my home planet, and the last time I took oxygen and tried to convert it into nitrogen...well, besides being impossible, I was just glad in the end to be able to breathe again.

Incessantly ridiculous writing only got worse, but it was a fair trade off. I'm not really going to abandon the ridiculous, but my reasoning is beyond unfairly ridiculous, it has only to do with flexible face muscles, nothing more. I know, pathetic.

I just...I can't die without knowing what it's like to interact with that mask, to see what parts are genuine, and which parts are there for entertainment. I need to know it all, to study it more closely. It's the only reason left that I don't abandon ridiculousness altogether.

I'm not expecting to touch the mask, only look straight into it and see if it answers back. It might, it might not. A risk I'm willing to take, but besides Earth, it's all that I care about these days. Breathing, and wanting to know that mask.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

It wouldn't fit

"Putting my faith in a new place, and keeping a close eye on spirit. From now on." I don't know how many characters that would have been, my email loves to play pranks on me and teach me good lessons. That's what I get for taking time out to think.

I'm still keeping my word on that one, because it's post number six right now, and the farthest thing from my mind is baskets. If I trip when I'm weaving, or worse, slice my's either get back up again or put on a bandaid.

A professional crafter for the most part, most of the time, except when I'm not. I'll have to allow that, as part of my growth, it's where my spirit's at. The nausea, it will get better by the second trimester, it always does. It does every time.

I like my life's journey, being creative and feeling alive. It was the obstacles that kept getting me down, where there's a will there's a way is what I'm going to say. A new direction is birthed, this time all mine. My focus is strengthened, my purpose divine.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

It was an accident

Diabetes isn't something that happens by accident, I wouldn't call it intentional, as if a weakness in your pancreas allows your immune system to intentionally attack it. God's design wouldn't see it that way, instead, most things that are unfair in life, the accidents where children are involved...designed to teach.

I would never personally take this for granted, as my experience has shown both frontwards and back, that diabetes was exactly what my family needed to strengthen its purpose. I actually remember the very thought that suggested humility may be needed, in my family, to balance it all. Perhaps it was intuition, a fear made manifest, but the order in which it happened, unmistakable.

Taylor's really been letting the tears out lately, and for that I am grateful. I can't imagine what it's like to have the whole freedom of your childhood captured and held hostage by needle pricks and life-or-death medicines. I often remind myself that it's better than cancer. Indulgent idea, as I'm just the parent, trying to make a daily struggle that affects my beautiful daughter's life, pretty unbearable.

It shouldn't boil down to perspective, or divine justice either. But how else are we taught, not to take our fellow humans for granted? Only thing worse than cancer, and I can't believe I'm saying this, is to lose your lads, or worse, your lass, in an unpredictable accident. Could probably invent new chords from that loss alone, wouldn't recommend it. Damn, that sounds insensitive, when did I become so callous?

Not sure. Wasn't in my nature a few months ago, back before the diabetes. Back then, I was whole.