Monday, May 18, 2009

Character Training

I have a birthmark on the left side of my neck, that is my greatest character strength. It's ugly and shocking, how ugly it is, and its greatest inconvenience is that I can never wear my hair up. This isn't one of those situations where I've never had the money or inclination to remove it, in fact I tried as a child, only permanent removal simply isn't its nature. Not that it couldn't be someday.

But, I've always felt that if I didn't have this birthmark, I don't think I'd be happy with who I turned out to be. It's spent its lifetime keeping me humble, reminding me that it's what's on the inside that counts. Would I have been so sensitive to never forget this had my birthmark not always reminded, nobody's perfect, especially not you? I don't think I would have.

My hair would've been worn up frequently, I'd have flaunted my dad's favorite compliment, "you have such a beautiful neck". He was talking past the birthmark, not trying to justify it, he really has always believed that I have a beautiful neck, slender he calls it.

I like having my birthmark. I like that my birthsister compares us both and calls me "more exotic", but misses the whole entire boat. I could care less what my face looks like, if I'm lucky to have my body after five kids (except for the inherited varicose), it's my birthmark that I've lived with my whole life that suits my character most.

I have a three inch long, ugly shameful mark on a precious part of my body, that most people never realize could hold back a single soul. Well, it's held me back my whole entire life, but in an important and essential way. I'd rather look exactly like my birthmark, than even depend on my cheekbones.

Being judged on the inside lasts forever, beauty is fleeting and sometimes distracting, well, you know how I roll.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Midnight Confessions

Didn't really want to write about diabetes today, but I'm going to force myself to tonight. Is there a difference between forcing myself and forcing my soul, it seems there is, maybe I see things unclear.

Myself knows the diabetes was a gift, or a symptom of an ailment much deeper. Myself can deal with whatever challenges the diabetes brings, my soul wants all the gifts that come later. Myself faces things in the moment, the stressful new vibe, the wondering why.

My soul wants peace, it wants deeper. I recall a few times in my life when my soul had the floor, but it's mostly myself that makes all the choices and changes, I wish my soul would stick around more. I tried to tell it to stay tonight, it was unsure.

I don't know what it will take to get my soul to align with myself. Probably just time and patience. It's forgiveness, I guess, that's the hardest. Forgiving myself for needing my soul.

Friday, May 8, 2009

3 month anniversary

I know right, I know. Why keep good track, it's never going away, diabetes bitch is bold. And yes, it's wearing its strain on my family. Nobody's nature is to argue, not here. All anyone does around here is just love. Got a problem with that? Too much info? Well, when you overcome bullies and reject-o-rammers, it's something you know.

Love ain't so bad, helps more in hardship. Fills people up, doesn't let them down. Love is a choice, an active good choice. That people don't learn 'til the curtain comes down.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Screw the cure

You know what, maybe we're just better off living with the diabetes afterall. It's easier to be a victim of medicine's need to support the Taliban so they'll have reason to keep training adrenaline-juiced doctors. If all the affairs in the hospital aren't enough to turn you off...ask the nurses, I worked at the coffee cart. I know just the plastic surgeon I speak of.

The freebies even in the cafeteria, the Sister Cities being great excuses for vacations, and the Greenway that nobody gives a shit about but the "healthy" and fake golfers. Have the stem cells, have the cure, I'll keep the needles and all the speckled plastic.

I like what Novolog has done for making Diabetes fashionable, who am I to complain when a free medicine purse in camoflage pink is more important than knowing a fuck about vitamins. What's B-12 have to do with Niacin, and cow's milk with too much chocolate syrup could NEVER cause Diabetes. Our studies show.

Or they don't show what they shouldn't show, you meant to say.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The mechanics of medicine

The world's probably made up of nothing more than men and women, and I hadn't even realized it. You know, pluses and minuses, this and that, these and those...basic structure. And, I don't often look beyond that black or white thinking, because it's reliable, serves me well, and all the rest of that gray matter.

Don't get me off topic, I was just getting on a roll there. I won't go all psychology on you, that's just inefficient, instead, I'll just say what I like. I like that men are different than women, in that they put duty before everything else. I mean, children are a duty, and for some I suppose, are pets. But men, somehow see the biggest picture of all, and that keeps them unfrazzled.

Girls are too busy worrying about what people are saying, thinking, and feeling to have the dignity or distance to think like men do. Men, if it weren't for them, women would be blown to smitherings by some idiot invested in all the wrong things, like women and men.

Got that? Well, I refuse to believe you.