Being unsure is better than hyperventilating

At least I get to be unsure out loud. Otherwise my thoughts just spin in unhelpful directions, with no anchor to ensure that I can handle it. Where's God? Processing everything, that can't be Him. It can't make sense that I'll be led into thinking "this could be the path", then right after it sinks in all the way, not even partially, another voice says "no it isn't".

Why do I have to walk them all, I ask.

I know the end result, and am quite sure I'm avoiding that path. Who am I to love children so much, then be forced to watch open-eyed as one is taken from me?

Still Saturday

Don't know why I don't want to leave the library. Probably the chaos at home. It's nobody's fault that my healthy, thriving family is being healthy and thriving in contrast. It's the part that gets me stuck. Like, so many years invested in lifting children up, to their highest, most secure, happiest child selves.

And what am I, an elitist? No room in my life for the discordant? That's what I mean about the perfect order to things, the getting used to life with shots, and accepting the many realms of possibility. Living in unique worlds is not only something I've mastered, it's probably the most important key. Or, it should be.

Moving forward without that light, that just stays there, and sets me free. Knowing that I get to carry on with that insight, the all day long distraction that always supports me. A wonderous world of delightful opportunities. And I'll pass that on to my young one, with prayers that it doesn't pass on before me.

Gotta look at both sides eventually, why not let it hit all the way home. Perfectly fits my philosophy.

Truth is...

All I really can concentrate on, what I need/want/pray for most. In my spare time, when not writing more dramas than a human can barely comprehend on this earth. Is lullabies.

I know it sounds ridiculous, that parents of bean sprouts need to imagine what it's like to have a precious newborn's life threatened...or to deal with what comes after as you chase for quality of life. But, it's in there.

Inside me, so don't take it if you don't particularly want to go there. But I'll be singing anyway, even though my voice sucks, just so someone precious can hear a rhythm that's familiar, and reliable, from its parent.

In between everything else, that will be important.

Finding the faith

You can't imagine the week I've had, most of it beginning yesterday. No, all of it began straight up yesterday...the good, the bad, and especially the evil.

First, I'd like to thank FX, not only for featuring my favorite man in fire uniform, but also a new favorite taxi cab driver. Why I hold out on myself, I'll never know. Puts everything in proper light, finally, at last.

The bad, well it's worse than I thought. Worse than I'd ever expected in my "boy, do doctors have poker faces when they lie" new phase. Oh, it's beginning, yes it sure is.

Am I grateful for the week spent oblivious? Am I surprised? About what I can't say, I can only write a dialogue for a play, no a sketch of some drama, okay?