Getting it out there

I have one really, really close friend in my life, and yes you guessed it, it's my husband. Why am I telling you any of this, just to give an example I guess, of it not being complicated. He's the kind of friend I don't have to jump through hoops just to know, can lay everything all out on the table, be honest, be wrong, and towards solutions we go.

No strange metaphysical explanations for anything in our lives, no odd vibrational frequencies to lean towards just to get it right. Nothing standing in the way of a wholesome and lasting love for each other, and maybe it's time I defended that more. A person without their foundation, unable to share the other half of their thinking, their reasoning, might as well have no soul.



This weekend was my eleven year old's birthday, and yes, we had a blast. Two of the ways I was going to describe our time at the cabin were direct quotes, "phenomenal" and "the best yet", well I held back. I shouldn't have, because every time it was and that's just a fact. I'm only saying any of this because I keep finding myself on a ridiculously broken bridge, that doesn't seem to recognize my soul for what it is.

Maybe that's my fault, perhaps it's my mind creating drama where there is none. Was none, will be none...which was it, because I'm starting to forget.

Abandoning the ridiculous

What?!! I LOVE the ridiculous, with my whole entire character, but the same heart is patient. It has to be, or the ridiculousness will take over my brain, and my soul eventually, and then I'm nothing but a basket case with nothing on earth to ground me.

I need earth more than I need ridiculousness, believe me! Earth, it's what sustains me. It's my home planet, and the last time I took oxygen and tried to convert it into nitrogen...well, besides being impossible, I was just glad in the end to be able to breathe again.

Incessantly ridiculous writing only got worse, but it was a fair trade off. I'm not really going to abandon the ridiculous, but my reasoning is beyond unfairly ridiculous, it has only to do with flexible face muscles, nothing more. I know, pathetic.

I just...I can't die without knowing what it's like to interact with that mask, to see what parts are genuine, and which parts are there for entertainment. I need to know it all, to study it more closely. It's the only reason left that I don't abandon ridiculousness altogether.

I'm not expecting to touch the mask, only look straight into it and see if it answers back. It might, it might not. A risk I'm willing to take, but besides Earth, it's all that I care about these days. Breathing, and wanting to know that mask.

It wouldn't fit

"Putting my faith in a new place, and keeping a close eye on spirit. From now on." I don't know how many characters that would have been, my email loves to play pranks on me and teach me good lessons. That's what I get for taking time out to think.

I'm still keeping my word on that one, because it's post number six right now, and the farthest thing from my mind is baskets. If I trip when I'm weaving, or worse, slice my finger...it's either get back up again or put on a bandaid.

A professional crafter for the most part, most of the time, except when I'm not. I'll have to allow that, as part of my growth, it's where my spirit's at. The nausea, it will get better by the second trimester, it always does. It does every time.

I like my life's journey, being creative and feeling alive. It was the obstacles that kept getting me down, where there's a will there's a way is what I'm going to say. A new direction is birthed, this time all mine. My focus is strengthened, my purpose divine.

It was an accident

Diabetes isn't something that happens by accident, I wouldn't call it intentional, as if a weakness in your pancreas allows your immune system to intentionally attack it. God's design wouldn't see it that way, instead, most things that are unfair in life, the accidents where children are involved...designed to teach.

I would never personally take this for granted, as my experience has shown both frontwards and back, that diabetes was exactly what my family needed to strengthen its purpose. I actually remember the very thought that suggested humility may be needed, in my family, to balance it all. Perhaps it was intuition, a fear made manifest, but the order in which it happened, unmistakable.

Taylor's really been letting the tears out lately, and for that I am grateful. I can't imagine what it's like to have the whole freedom of your childhood captured and held hostage by needle pricks and life-or-death medicines. I often remind myself that it's better than cancer. Indulgent idea, as I'm just the parent, trying to make a daily struggle that affects my beautiful daughter's life, pretty unbearable.

It shouldn't boil down to perspective, or divine justice either. But how else are we taught, not to take our fellow humans for granted? Only thing worse than cancer, and I can't believe I'm saying this, is to lose your lads, or worse, your lass, in an unpredictable accident. Could probably invent new chords from that loss alone, wouldn't recommend it. Damn, that sounds insensitive, when did I become so callous?

Not sure. Wasn't in my nature a few months ago, back before the diabetes. Back then, I was whole.

Character Training

I have a birthmark on the left side of my neck, that is my greatest character strength. It's ugly and shocking, how ugly it is, and its greatest inconvenience is that I can never wear my hair up. This isn't one of those situations where I've never had the money or inclination to remove it, in fact I tried as a child, only permanent removal simply isn't its nature. Not that it couldn't be someday.

But, I've always felt that if I didn't have this birthmark, I don't think I'd be happy with who I turned out to be. It's spent its lifetime keeping me humble, reminding me that it's what's on the inside that counts. Would I have been so sensitive to never forget this had my birthmark not always reminded, nobody's perfect, especially not you? I don't think I would have.

My hair would've been worn up frequently, I'd have flaunted my dad's favorite compliment, "you have such a beautiful neck". He was talking past the birthmark, not trying to justify it, he really has always believed that I have a beautiful neck, slender he calls it.

I like having my birthmark. I like that my birthsister compares us both and calls me "more exotic", but misses the whole entire boat. I could care less what my face looks like, if I'm lucky to have my body after five kids (except for the inherited varicose), it's my birthmark that I've lived with my whole life that suits my character most.

I have a three inch long, ugly shameful mark on a precious part of my body, that most people never realize could hold back a single soul. Well, it's held me back my whole entire life, but in an important and essential way. I'd rather look exactly like my birthmark, than even depend on my cheekbones.

Being judged on the inside lasts forever, beauty is fleeting and sometimes distracting, well, you know how I roll.

Midnight Confessions

Didn't really want to write about diabetes today, but I'm going to force myself to tonight. Is there a difference between forcing myself and forcing my soul, it seems there is, maybe I see things unclear.

Myself knows the diabetes was a gift, or a symptom of an ailment much deeper. Myself can deal with whatever challenges the diabetes brings, my soul wants all the gifts that come later. Myself faces things in the moment, the stressful new vibe, the wondering why.

My soul wants peace, it wants deeper. I recall a few times in my life when my soul had the floor, but it's mostly myself that makes all the choices and changes, I wish my soul would stick around more. I tried to tell it to stay tonight, it was unsure.

I don't know what it will take to get my soul to align with myself. Probably just time and patience. It's forgiveness, I guess, that's the hardest. Forgiving myself for needing my soul.

3 month anniversary

I know right, I know. Why keep good track, it's never going away, diabetes bitch is bold. And yes, it's wearing its strain on my family. Nobody's nature is to argue, not here. All anyone does around here is just love. Got a problem with that? Too much info? Well, when you overcome bullies and reject-o-rammers, it's something you know.

Love ain't so bad, helps more in hardship. Fills people up, doesn't let them down. Love is a choice, an active good choice. That people don't learn 'til the curtain comes down.